


baby if you hold me (all of this will go away)

by hotcuppa



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Hugs, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Touch-Starved, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24786970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotcuppa/pseuds/hotcuppa
Summary: spencer reid’s never realized how touch-starved he actually is. derek morgan wants to change that.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 21
Kudos: 649





	baby if you hold me (all of this will go away)

**Author's Note:**

> title from budapest by george ezra 
> 
> this isn’t set at any particular time it just kinda exists in the cm universe somewhere
> 
> warning for mentions of a child abuse case, typical cm stuff nothing graphic at all

_“your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”_

_–rumi_

reid’s never really put much thought into the fact that he doesn’t like touching other people. at least, no thought beyond the fact that there are a ton of pathogens passed within a handshake and that, statistically, it’s actually safer to kiss. and besides, it’s not like he goes out of his way to avoid touch too often—the team touches him all the time, even hugs him on occasion, so it’s not like he’s a total germophobe who carries around a bottle of hand sanitizer and refuses to touch anyone or anything. he just prefers to avoid it when possible. 

apparently, though, not everyone viewed his aversion to touch the same way. reid hadn’t realized that anyone else even paid attention to it, but it would seem that it’s something that the girls put much more stock into than reid ever has. 

“i’m just saying,” garcia continues, “that it’s a little odd! everyone on the team, besides hotch maybe, are _so_ affectionate. we’re all huggers!”

“i hug the team,” reid counters, because he does. 

emily cuts in, “not that often. honestly, reid, i’m surprised you’re not touch-starved.”

“touch-starved?”

“yeah, when someone experiences little to no physical touch from—”

“other living things,” reid interrupts her, “they experience touch deprivation, or skin hunger. skin-to-skin contact is vital for mental and physical health, and stimulates pathways for chemicals like oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. i know all of that, but why would you assume i’m experiencing touch deprivation? are you profiling me?”

jj splutters, finally putting in her opinion, “no, spence. it’s just an observation, and besides, emily was joking.”

reid goes over the symptoms of touch deprivation in his head. feelings of depression and anxiety, stress, insomnia, low relationship satisfaction, tendencies to avoid attachments. subtle substitutes for touch, like hot showers, blankets, or cuddling pets. reid feels a certain amount of anxiety and stress, but that goes hand in hand with his job. same with the insomnia. low relationship satisfaction would require him to actually have relationships, and his tendency to avoid attachments probably relates more to his abandonment issues than touch deprivation. and sure, he likes his hot showers, but who doesn’t?

“seriously, reid, i was kidding,” emily says, when reid’s been quiet for a while. “i can practically hear your brain overthinking it.”

he doesn’t get the chance to respond before hotch is sticking his head into the break room, letting them know they have a case and that he needs them in the conference room. the girls file out first, garcia giving him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, and reid takes a second to keep thinking. 

the rest of the team seems to have people. garcia has kevin, and plenty of friends. including the girls on the team. jj has will and henry. hotch has jack, his family, and jessica sometimes. morgan has his mother and sisters, and plenty of friends. he also has it so easy with girls, which reid is annoyingly aware of. rossi… reid doesn’t know much about rossi’s personal life, but he has three ex-wives and he knows that rossi has plans a lot of the time, so there’s definitely at least one person. emily is probably the most like reid, but even she has friends outside of the bureau, and her family. and sergio, of course. 

who does reid have? his father walked out on him when he was four, his mother’s been institutionalized since he was eighteen. he plays chess with people sometimes, but they’re hardly more than acquaintances. most of his free time involves sitting at his apartment or at the library reading, or attending lectures and seminars alone, or going to film festivals alone. he’s always the first one to arrive at quantico when they’re called in, because he’s always the only one who wasn’t busy. 

it stings in a way he hadn’t expected, knowing that if it weren’t for his eidetic memory, he probably wouldn’t even be able to recall the last time he hugged someone because it was that long ago. 

it was jj, two months and thirteen days ago.

“hey, mighty professor,” he hears, and he looks up from his coffee cup to see garcia giving him a gentle, patient smile. “you coming?”

he nods, and shoves the thoughts away for later. 

the case ends up being in manassas, virginia, which is why hotch knew about it before garcia. hotch’s old friend from high school had contacted hotch directly about it—three missing girls in three days, all kidnapped from elementary school playgrounds after school. nobody knows anything, and nobody had seen anything, but all of the parents had received pictures of their daughters in their mailboxes that night, and the girls were wearing tutus. on the back of the photos had been the names of different ballets.

they drive out to manassas and quickly set up at the local PD, trying to work on the profile before the next day comes and another girl gets kidnapped. reid doesn’t do much field work, instead sitting in the precinct and working on the geographical profile and analyzing the photos left behind. they work until they can’t, when nightfall hits and leads go cold, and they have to get some sleep. 

morgan and reid end up sharing a hotel room, which is pretty typical, even if it makes reid extremely nervous. manassas isn’t far from DC, close enough to drive, but it’s far enough that they couldn’t go home and come back. so they stay at the shoddy hotel garcia had booked rooms at. 

“you wanna shower first?” morgan asks, when they’re in their room and trying to pretend they’re not both stressed beyond belief about the fact that another girl might get kidnapped tomorrow. 

for some reason, the question makes reid tense, and this time it isn't because of the thought of morgan being in the shower—reid’s gotten good at pretending those feelings don’t exist. despite his astonishing ability to compartmentalize, the question makes his conversation with the girls come rushing back, and he finds himself wondering whether his urge to take a hot shower has anything to do with the fact that he is, apparently, touch-starved. 

“no, i’m okay,” reid lies. “you can go ahead.”

so morgan starts to gather his clothes, and reid sits on the edge of his bed and thinks. 

it doesn’t take long for morgan to notice. when he makes his way to the bathroom, he stops by reid’s bed, and then pulls reid out of his thoughts by sitting down next to him. 

this sort of thing is one of the biggest reasons reid fell for morgan. he knows morgan only sees him as a brother, he’s known that for years, but sometimes it feels like morgan’s made for him. morgan always knows when something is wrong, and he never makes reid feel alone. he always talks to reid, asks him questions and genuinely wants to know the answers. he _cares._ it was hard for reid not to fall in love with the only person who’d ever seemed to give a shit about him beyond his IQ. the physical attraction was just a bonus.

“everything okay, pretty boy?” he asks, and when reid doesn’t immediately answer, he goes on, “i really think we’re right about this profile. all three girls attend the same gymnastics gym, i’m sure we just overlooked somebody there. i mean, not to sound awful, but if a pedophile is looking for a way to ogle girls, gymnastics is one way to do it. maybe it isn’t part of the staff, like jj said, one of the parents—”

“there was a study done in the 1960s by sidney jourard on how friends in different countries had conversations. in france, the friends touched each other 110 times per hour. in puerto rico, it was 180 times. but in the united states, it was only twice. it makes sense, our society is fairly conservative with touch.”

morgan blinks, and reid feels a bloom of frustration in his chest at the fact that morgan isn’t understanding him this time. 

“okay,” morgan says slowly, and he rests one hand on reid’s knee. reid jerks it away quickly, partly due to the conversation and partly because the _platonic_ touch stings too much right now, causing morgan to raise both hands up innocently. “is there something else going on, pretty boy? is this case bothering you, and this is your way to ask me for a hug? because you don’t have to explain yourself if you want a hug, that’s a perfectly normal thing.”

“actually, touch is one of the most important things for overall health. touch increases both serotonin and dopamine levels, which decreases anxiety and stress. and that’s just emotional. studies also show that touch not only boosts your immune system but also activates the body’s vagus nerve, which triggers a release of oxytocin and calms cardiovascular stress.” he glances over at morgan, then, and feels his entire body sag as the tension releases. he feels defeated, and a little embarrassed. “i’m not… asking for a hug. i’m just thinking about… emily said earlier that she’s surprised i’m not touch-starved, because of how infrequently i touch other people.”

“i touch you all the time, pretty boy.”

reid shrugs, “i know, i told her that. everybody on the team does, but not nearly as much as you touch each other. and the last time one of you hugged me was two months and thirteen days ago. it’s never bothered me before, because i’d never thought about it. and i assume you don’t touch me as often because you know i have an aversion to touch. but i just started thinking about how everybody on the team has someone outside of the team who can touch them, and hug them. and all i have is the neighbor next door who insists on shaking my hand whenever i thank her for watering my plants while i’m away for work.”

for a couple of moments, morgan and reid just sit there in an awkward silence. it’s glaringly obvious that morgan has no idea what to say, and reid just feels extremely uncomfortable with the vulnerability he’s shown. he feels like a petulant child asking for a hug from an emotionally unavailable parent, even though he and morgan are neither of those things. 

it’s also just humiliating to admit your loneliness to someone who has no concept of what that feels like. especially to morgan, who reid loves so desperately, and who he never wants to embarrass himself in front of. 

finally, morgan sighs, knocking his knee into reid’s. “look, kid. i know how it feels to be lonely, but you know that you’re not _alone,_ right? everyone on this team is here for you. we’re more than just your coworkers, reid, we’re your friends. in fact, i consider you one of my best friends.” reid sighs at that, and morgan frowns. “like you said, it’s not like we’re avoiding touching you for any reason other than we know you like personal space. the rest of us are just more tactile, and it’s okay that you aren’t. you know, hotch isn’t either. it’s normal. and yes, physical touch is important, but so is being comfortable. if you want to avoid physical touch more than you want to be touched, that’s okay. and if you decide you want a hug or something, you can always come to one of us for it. especially garcia, she loves hugs, and she gives the best ones.”

reid manages a laugh at that, and leans into morgan’s side. morgan drapes an arm around his shoulders, and reid feels even more tension leave his body. “lila archer was my first kiss, you know,” reid admits, feeling his cheeks heat up at the admission. “twenty-four and i hadn’t even kissed anyone. and then afterwards, i always… i always wanted to, but nobody’s ever been interested in me. so i stopped hoping.”

“do you think that maybe you want touch more than you’ll let yourself admit? our physical touch tendencies are a product of our early childhood experiences. children who grow up in a family that isn’t physically demonstrative typically grow up to be uncomfortable with touch. your dad wasn’t there, and your mom was there physically but she wasn’t emotionally. and you and i both know how important touch is for a child.”

reid stares at his hands. “growing up without physical touch can lead to an underdeveloped vagus nerve, and can lead to growing up with intimacy, social, and self esteem issues.”

“does that sound familiar at all, spence?”

the use of his name—or, at least, the altered version of it—makes him wince. he feels like an exposed nerve now, so uncomfortable and vulnerable that he wants to shut this conversation down and pretend it never happened. 

“would you like a hug?”

at that, despite some reluctance, spencer nods. derek turns to the side so he can pull spencer in for a real hug and not a side-armed one, and spencer allows himself to melt into it. he doesn’t hug derek back, instead just lets his arms fall limply into his lap, and he focuses on not crying into derek’s shoulder. derek doesn’t seem to mind—it makes reid’s heart pang with the knowledge that this is all their relationship will ever be. 

morgan doesn’t pull back until reid does, and when they are separated, morgan doesn’t go far. “you aren’t alone, kid. we’re all here, and we all love you. don’t tell garcia i said this, but i love you the most.” he knocks his knuckles into reid’s jawline, making him smile. “okay?”

reid nods, “okay.”

“okay.” morgan doesn’t move after that, still sitting so, _so_ close, and still holding eye contact. reid squirms under the attention, wondering what it is that morgan is looking for, when all of a sudden there’s no space between them and morgan’s lips are on his. 

reid is so shocked that he freezes, and before he can gather his wits and kiss back, morgan is pulling back and practically flying across the room. the sudden lack of physical touch makes reid’s entire body go cold. 

“shit, reid, i’m— i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have done that, i’m sorry. i— i’m just sorry. i’m gonna go shower, i’m—” morgan doesn’t finish his stammered out sentence, hurrying into the bathroom and locking the door. 

if they weren’t in the middle of a case, and if reid wasn’t already feeling extremely vulnerable, he might’ve waited so he could corner morgan after his shower and ask what that meant. maybe he’d even tell morgan how he feels, and maybe morgan would feel the same way. 

but as it is, when reid hears the shower start, he just changes his clothes and climbs into bed. 

//

they solve the case three days and two kidnappings later. the unsub ended up being a public bus driver, who had a weekend route that passed by the gym that the girls did gymnastics at. none of the little girls had lost their lives; at least, not physically. as reid watched the nine-year-olds return to their families, he couldn’t help but think about all the damage and trauma they’d endured. how one week would affect the rest of their lives. 

the unsub had a suicide by cop mission that was ultimately successful. it made the case feel unsolved, like the families didn’t really get justice for what had happened to their daughters. it got under reid’s skin, made him itch. days like these, he hated his job. because this was a _good_ day, and it didn’t feel very good. 

they drove back to DC that night, reid in the passenger seat of morgan’s car. he’d practically forced morgan to drive him home, even though he’d originally ridden with prentiss. it wasn’t because he wanted to talk to morgan about the kiss—although he did—it was more so because he was worried about morgan. child sexual abuse cases always bothered him more, for obvious reasons. 

“are you okay?” reid asks, after forty-five minutes of a silent car ride. he’d been mustering up the courage to speak, hoping that morgan wasn’t angry with him or something. hoping morgan wouldn’t shut him out. “i know this case was difficult.”

“i’m fine, kid.” but the way he set his jaw said otherwise, and reid couldn’t help but worry his lip between his teeth. 

“you’re not alone,” reid tells him, echoing morgan’s own words back to him. he can see the way morgan’s lips flick upwards at the sentiment, no matter how slight. “you can talk to me about what’s bothering you. i promise i won’t interrupt you with annoying statistics.”

“your statistics aren’t annoying.”

reid snorts, “you tell me exactly the opposite an average of 7.3 times per weekday.”

morgan rolls his eyes. “okay, _that_ statistic is annoying,” he teases, and they both laugh at the joke before falling silent again. morgan grips the wheel just a bit tighter. “the case isn’t what’s bothering me, pretty boy. i just can’t help but feel a bit guilty for what i did to you.”

“did to me?” spencer asks, brows furrowing in confusion. he thinks back over the last few days and tries to think of something morgan did that would require apologizing, and comes up with nothing. “i’m confused.”

“i shouldn’t have kissed you,” morgan pushes out, and reid feels his heart drop. “at least, not like that. you were opening up to me about something really personal, and i took advantage of you when you were at your most vulnerable. that was wrong of me. and i’m really sorry, spencer.”

reid frowns at the use of his full name this time, and at the fact that morgan has clearly been beating himself up over this. over something reid _wanted._ “i understand where your guilt is coming from, and maybe if the situation were different then your apology would be warranted.” he shrugs, looking out the window just so he doesn’t have to look at morgan when he says, “but you didn’t take advantage of me. i wanted you to kiss me.”

for a second, morgan doesn’t respond. reid looks back over at him, sees the clench in his jaw, and takes it upon himself to reach out and put his hand over the top of morgan’s where it’s resting on the gear shift. 

“you were vulnerable, spencer,” morgan repeats, and reid’s frown deepens. “i was comforting you, and if the circumstances were different you wouldn’t have wanted—”

“don’t give me the transference lecture. i’ve wanted you to kiss me for five years, two months, two weeks, and four days.”

they’re at spencer’s apartment now, so morgan parks and then looks over at him. this time, reid doesn’t shy away from the eye contact. 

“why did you kiss me, morgan?” reid finally asks, because it’s bothering him. “was it because i was vulnerable, or because you wanted to?”

morgan turns his hand over in reid’s, and reid lets morgan link their fingers together. “i don’t know the exact timeline,” morgan murmurs, “but it’s longer than that.” he looks down at the gear shift where their hands are intertwined, and smiles. “you’re holding my hand. think of the germs.”

“you’re not wrong. we carry an average of 3,200 bacteria from 150 species on our hands, including fecal bacteria, and the number of pathogens that spread through a handshake is staggering. it’s actually safer to kiss.”

morgan’s heard reid give this speech to many sheriffs over the years, but it holds so much weight now. it sounds different even to reid’s ears. like the meaning has changed. 

“do you want to come inside for a nightcap?” reid offers, and morgan agrees. 

they hold hands all the way up to reid’s apartment, and only separate so reid can pour the both of them a glass of wine. reid knows that after such a horrible case, morgan would probably prefer something rossi would be able to offer him, but reid isn’t much of a drinker and all he has is a bottle of white that emily had given him after discovering she and jj didn’t like it. 

reid leans against the counter after handing the other glass to morgan, and they both just stand there, looking at each other. reid thinks he could probably cut the tension with a knife. 

“you know, it’s said that a hug has to last 20 seconds before the release of oxytocin,” reid says, tentatively breaking the silence. “actually, oxytocin is known as the _love_ hormone.”

“is that right?”

reid takes a sip of his wine and then reaches to put the cup on the counter behind him. “mhm. it’s referred to as the love hormone because oxytocin levels increase during hugs, orgasm, and childbirth.”

“which one of those are you asking me for?”

reid blushes at the thought of asking morgan for an orgasm—both out of embarrassment and arousal. but that’s something for them to worry about later. “a hug,” reid murmurs, and morgan is quick to oblige, moving forward to wrap his arms around reid’s small frame. reid reciprocates this time, wrapping his arms around morgan’s waist and burying his face in morgan’s neck. 

“you know, pretty boy,” morgan says, “i bet you’re a really tactile person deep down. once i get you to stop being scared of being vulnerable around me, i bet you’ll be begging for cuddles all the goddamn time.”

reid’s heart rate increases at morgan’s insinuation, and he closes his eyes. “does that mean that this is something you want to keep doing?” 

“what, hugging?”

“yes, and— and, you know. cuddling. maybe kissing, too.”

“only if you’ll actually kiss me back this time.”

reid huffs a laugh, “you caught me off guard last time! i was about to kiss back when you pulled away.” he pulls back from the hug just enough to see morgan’s face. “i, um. i wasn’t kidding when i said i wanted to kiss you for a long time. i’ve had feelings for you for—”

“five years, two months, two weeks, and four days,” morgan fills in. “i know. i wasn’t kidding, either. i want this just as much as you do, pretty boy.”

“so… does that mean you’d like to go out for breakfast tomorrow morning? as a date, i mean.”

morgan smiles, so bright it could rival the sun. reid thinks he’s the most beautiful man in the world, and he can’t wait to tell him that. “i would love to.” he pushes his nose against spencer’s and then leans back in to continue the hug, prompting reid to bury his face back into morgan’s neck. 

“touch-starved may have been an understatement,” reid mumbles into morgan’s shoulder, making morgan laugh out loud. 

“i promise to fix that, pretty boy.”

_“millions and millions of years would still not give me half enough time to describe that tiny instant of all eternity when you put your arms around me and i put my arms around you.”_

_–jacques prévert_

**Author's Note:**

> be kind  
> all mistakes are my own


End file.
